whew. today.. was one of the hardest and longest days of my life. my theme for today? life.

i woke up today, my aunt was letting me know that they were leaving n that my parents were off to the hospital as well since neil n me just woke up. they left, i hung out in my room hanging out, blah blah. dad called me up, told me to get ready to go to the hospital. may be the last time to see len cause the doctors said she wasnt going to make it. arnold comes to get me, we go to the hospital and my mom tells me that the doctor said her brain in swolen, and she wont make it. my eyes start to water, and i didnt know what to think. theyre all lying to me, im being stubborn n i dont care what they say. my sister is a part of me and i cant get through my life without her. if anyone was to die its those drunk drivers that survived and killed innocent people like my sister. at first i didnt want to say that about anyone, because nobody deserves to die. my dad mentioned that the stupid people who make the mistakes get another chance, why is it that the innocent people get all the suffering? it really doesnt make sense.

during that time in the waiting area my sister came out of the room for a cat scan for the last time to see what was wrong with her brain. not enough blood flow or just no way to get anything to get running in her brain. the night before they paralyzed her body so that she wouldnt have those reflexes since theyd damage her brain. her body was still good though, everything was fine from what i heard. probably since it was on drugs and life support. the only thing that wouldnt pull through was her brain.

len lens a strong gal, she pulled through long enough n thats fine with me. shes... a very generous person, even when she didnt want to give she would, and shed help me out when id need it. she was that wonderful older sister that would do anything for her annoying little siblings. ... gosh, and the plans we had for our neices n nephiews will be changed around a little bit. =/ heh.. shed be like "oh my babys gone be so cuh-yuuuute!! im gona buy my baby cute clooothes!" ;] wed fight over whod be wearing what brand of clothing, haha. wow, we wouldnt fight about anything really. just the tiny nerdy things like that. everything i do itll be for her now. and my baby? its gona be twice as cute just for my sister.... now for me to find that extra cute guy, haha. just plaaaying :P

at the hospital her room was 414 in the trauma center. ironic dont you think? but before i left her we all did the rosary and prayed for her, gave her our hugs and final words. i was holding her hand most of the time, lots of sniffling going on. blaah. i told her thanks for being with me n making me the way i am, that gideon said goodbye n i gave her about three hugs for all the people i know who would want to hug her. i told her id take her place as the nice sister, that neil n me will be ok n that everything ill be doing is for her, and that id talk to her every day at night before i go to sleep. =*)

zane ed pol emma nelly mark my aunt n uncle arnold neil and two of my moms coworkers were in the room, it was hard trying to open my hand again from touching her for the last time. its like i didnt want to open my hand until id see her again. sigh... i think it hit me, but not completely. i dont think it ever will. we probably left at about noonish, before one. after that the parents ate el pollo loco, so neil arnold n me were jes chillin outside till they were done. from there my parents went back to the hospital to talk tothe organ donors and my aunt n uncle took us home for a little while. when we got home i pulled out nsyncs 'if only through heavenes eyes' n we had that on repeat until my parents came back n dressed up to go to church.

church was... the way church is usually i guess. but since we got there a few minutes early we all prayed n i started crying a little. but after communion was when it really got my us, i think i saw my dad n arnold crying. SiGH. it was rough, but we got through it. after mass we tried to light up those weird candles n prayed again. when we got home one again that lady who came with the statue of the saint was over n we all prayed for my sister and that her soul will be rested and that she have a better life than being in this messed up corrupted world. i know she wont be in pergatory long. she was such a good person, i dont recall her doing anything sinful. =) shes so great. i love her so much.

danielliz florentin mutuc
born @ 12:35pm april 14, 1980 - 10:00am november 23, 2002

thats all i have for tonight. for those of you who want to read on this is what my cousin arnold put down earlier, more in detail i guess you can say:

on the 17th of november... Danielliz was in a car accident that involved 8 other people, 3 in one car, 4 in the other and a bystander. The car with 3 people, had a drunk driver, who was speeding, and overcorrected a driving error, which caused him to cross the island of the street, and crash into the car with my cuzin inside of it. The driver of the other car survived, one of the passengers died, and the other, I have no clue, but I hope pulls through if they are still in the hospital. In the car with my cousin in it... the driver survived, with a broken leg, with bruises and cuts, the front seat passenger, had surgery on his stomach, to remove excess fluid, and he also had the bruises and cuts, the passenger in the back sitting next to my cuzin has a broken shoulder, had her spleen removed, and is currently in the hospital, awaiting news on if she will or will not have surgery on her stomach to remove the tightening. Danielliz, had major head trauma, and many cuts and bruises. Throughout the week, the pressure inside of her head rose and decreased, because of swelling. She was unfortunately in a coma, and could not talk to us. She received a CAT scan to measure the severity of the injury, and at the time it was fine. Later in the week, she looked to be fine, however very sedated on around 6 different drugs to keep her stabilized. On Friday nite, they introduced two more drugs, to paralyze her, because of her involuntary movements, and to raise her falling blood pressure. the hospital called my cuzins house at 1am to notify us, then we actually went to the hospital before me n my family were about to leave on the 23rd.
when we were about there, we got a call from my uncle to go n pick up Dana n Neil. when we actually got to the hospital my uncle, aunt, Dana, and myself, went in to see Danielliz, and that is when the doctor told us the results of her recent catscan, and unfortunately, the brain had swelled up so severely that it constricted the flow of blood to the brain, and eventually "clotted" itself to death. after this news, i informed the rest of the family, and here we are now... i would jus like to thank eryone, who showed their support for my family and Danielliz during this time... she is now in a better place, God Bless Her Soul...

--Len... i dunno the words to say, what this loss means to myself, or the others whose lives youve touched. You gave three kids someone to look up to, you took care of us, loved us, showed us compassion and sensitivity, and most of all... graced us with your happy, loving spirit, you will never be forgotten... this is all i can say because words can never express what you really meant to me or anyone else.. but, now I kno that you are in a better place, where no one can hurt you, watch over us with your carefree spirit, guide us with yer love.. i love you always and forever Len² -- yer cuzin, n lil bro... Arnold

went to work, saw natalie sicat jade jay mindy stephanie gideon kim. fridays suck for being so busy all the time. i had a sixty dollar void today. piss me off. after work mark got me n attempting to go to tea planet but that didnt work out. ended up getting my parents n going back home

my mom came in my room a few minutes ago and told me to pray for my sister. since i havent seen her these past two days i feel weird. i wanted to see her but theyd never let me go in or theyd say id be too late since we were leaving. grrr. my mom said that my sister has too much air in her lungs so they stucka tube in her side to take that air out. and that whole thing with her jerking from the reflexes is gona be fixed.. or is fixed. my sisters gona be paralyzed for about a month so she wont be moving the way she was earlier in the week. =/ i wana see my sister, and i want her to help me with my senior ad. look at old pictures n laugh at all he goofy pictures we took as crazy little kids. sigh, i need more help and prayers for my sister.

im not living my normal life. everythings so different now, i dont have the close frends that i thought id be coming to about the small things i think about now. sad knowing who sticks around for these types of tihngs. being busy and actually having a social life isnt a fucking excuse when it comes to serious crap like this.. whatever, this is a part of me right? the things frends do to me and show me how they feel or respect me is the way ill turn out in the end.

i signed up for hiking club yesterday after skool. signed up for a hiking thing on the fourteenth of december? i fergot already, haha. oh well. i found jason at skool n took him home.

not much happened, jes ate some twinkies n later on took a thirty minute nap. gideon came by my house so we could go to the library n organize all my college papers. that never happened since we went to get his mom, drop her off, go back to henderson n get some L & L from ruth. after that we went in the mall n ruth n me got a shirt from hollister again. blaah, no more shirts! anyway from the mall gideon took me to the hospital to meet up with arnold. gideon didnt stay fer long, jes checked up on dave n say hi to my parents. i didnt get to see len last night but ill probably see her before work. arnold neil n me went to see courtney though, she has a fever i think n she said dave is gona be getting out of the hospital tomorrow. her parents are flying in from fl next week so thats cool.

im kinda hungry. or actually i AM hungry. i fergot my camera at home again! i didnt know today was an assembly schedule either. raaa, and i heard yearbook pictures are today after skool? ah geez. that sucks. hm hmmmmmm, nooothing to dooo.

::yawn:: hi. im back in skool again so everythings cool fer me. i was thinking about going yesterday but i seemed waaaay too tired. my stomache was kinda hurting too since i didnt eat the night before. hm, my sister didnt wake up yet, theyre still drugging her up so she wont be in pain since theyre still draining out the water in her brain. shes looking a lot better, her face can actually fit into the neck brace. yesterday when i saw her her hands were reaaal warm. the nurse is sticking some weird medicine thatll make her pulse rate go up or her head pressure go down? something like that. anyway when i was there i got her head pressure down to nine, woo hoo! but then it goes up n down, blah. but im glad i saw the monitor at nine =]]

i went to the hospital yesterday at about three n stayed there till five-thirty, went to key club inductions n went back to the hospital. between me being home i went to the key club meeting n talked to jason [classmate/next next door neighbor] about what was going on n why i wasnt at skool fer the past week. hmm, nothing else really happened yesterday.

at the hospital last night my mom was saying the reason why she does the reflexes is cause her brain is sensitive to whatever she feels or touches. it was better knowing that she had those reflexes because of me but whatever right? ignorance is bliss, lol. but she wasnt doing it much as in the begining so its ok. i dont think i cried yesterday, mostly talking to her about zane how he got out n joy calling, chris calling every now n then n how hes planning on coming here. sherylls planning on coming down too =) chicagos coming to vegas! haha.. its gona be cool when all that waters flushed out of her brain. then from there shes gona try n wake up from all those druggies, n physical therapy. =) hehe, isnt that exciting? all this praying n concern from frends n family.. whew, its great. everythings doing good n i know shes improving.

my parents let me drive to skool today. they went to take neil to skool n went to church. we already have the mass intentions n my dad actually called his cousin or ... got a hold of his cousin in italy and hes asking for the mass intentions too. ;] thats so cool. sigh.

not much else to say i guess, i usually update my phone now since everyones been calling long distance. so if i dont answer its cause i know i can have a better chance of getting hold of you at home or using the hospital line, hehe. sooo till tonight or tomorrow, ill see ya.

gideon got me monday around fourth period. we jes went to starbucks n on the way i called arnold n told me that his parents were on the way from kali. i told arnold the story so gideon kinda heard it from there. i was crying pretty hard since i didnt know the whole story. i wanted to see len so bad... sigh. i tried not to think about it so i went around with gideon to pick up his brother n drop him off at the mall. i went into hollister n bought two shirts. i was thinking about buying my sister some shirts too but whatever, i kinda thought that it wasnt the right time to be thinking about stupid stuff like that.

came home n we went to the orleans to meet up my uncle n aunt. from there we went to the hospital n pretty much stayed there till ten. i saw zane n he looks ok, jes had to stitch up his ear n heads kinda filled with blood in his hair. he might be sent home today from what i heard so thats good. cortney was a few doors down from my sister but she was moved up on zanes floor yesterday. she has a broken right elbow n this gash on the left side by her chest/shoulder. david was the driver n he has a broken leg, im not sure what else but everyone but my sister is talking. gideon came by yesterday n monday to see my sister. monday he didnt get the chance to but he saw her last night when i went with him. around eleven my mom brought her Hope the beanie baby, hehe. its a tiny bear thats on its knees n praying. its cute. i put it in my sisters hands cause the reflexes make her fingers lock up into a tight fist. my mom said every now n then a nurse should come n straighten them out.. im sure nobody does that though, so i go by n see my sister as much as possible so i can exercise her fingers. sigh. her nails are so pale, and i wana clean the blood under her fingernails.. =P the first time i got to see my sister i was crying of course. i was happy to see her. happy to know that i can still talk to her even if she cant hear me, you know? i had a regular conversation with her, talking about hollister n when she gets up im gona go shopping with her, get some boba, all that neat stuff. and i told her to try n wake up fer my mommys bday [yesterday] but that didnt happen. she still had to do a cat scan to figure out if anything else is wrong inside her brain.

the cat scan was pushed back until about eight or seven last night? but they said things got worse, the head pressure went up. yesterday morning at five i was with my sister holding her hand n probably talking to her fer an hour, i got her to about twelve. normal head or the decent number is ten. not bad huh? =) but the night she had the operation i heard it was at thirty something. eh.

yesterday i think she heard me. early when i was there in the morning she was holding on to my hand n when i told her i was gona go, she jerked again from the reflexes. but fer a split second i was thinking that it was her... like she didnt want me to leave. i talked to her though, i told her that im always gona be there for her. im always by her side no matter what, and she shouldnt be worrying about the family, whats going on with us or what not. i told her that she needs to stay strong n get through all this shit. she doesnt deserve this. nobody does. i know she can get through it, she iS my everything. shes been there all the time, and im always the one crying, getting hurt. i told her to stay strong n stick with us. i know shes gona get through this, i know it. im not being naive but what the hell you know? why WOULD you wana think negatively about something like this? you cant. so im doing my best to make sure my parents dont break down all the time when visitors come to see my sister n the family.

another thing yesterday... when i was there giving Hope to her, i was talking n i saw a tear by her eye n i kinda paused... 'can you hear me? =) if you can then be strong n dont cry, alright? all of us have been crying for you but you dont need to cry. just fight this, no worries girl. youll get through this. dont think about anything but yourself. all of us are praying for you, we love you.' might not be that exact order but i told her a lot. so during that whole time i was holding her hands again, and when i was wiping off that tear she had the reflexes again, but really tight that time. so i was joking around like 'hey len? if you wana try n scare me tell me n say something next time ok?' heheh.. man id be glad if she could say something but i know she cant right now. thats fine with me, as long as she gets better. slowly but surely i know shes gona get better. yesterday from the cat scan my mom n dad said that itll take about two days to actually see if shes gotten any progress, since things havent really changed. i think shes been getting better. from the first time i saw her n yesterday? her face isnt as puffy anymore from those fluids. which is always good thing. i can picture her face and her laying down in that hospital bed. gosh.. i wana see her so bad n tell her those stupid jokes that always make her laugh. she doesnt need to cry, but if she can thats her, i cant stop her. but shes strong. i know she can get through it. so many people are praying and they say the same things as me, she WiLL get better.

oh when i talked to joy yesterday she was like 'tell your sister that when she wakes up ill go to an nsync concert with you guys n scream, jump up and down like the way you guys do, ok?' haha.. i told my sister that so hopefully she heard me =)

lens coworker melissa came by today too, i told her the story n mentioned how she looks n everything so when she finally got to see her she jes told me that the nurses were cleaning her up n she took a tiny peek by the door. thats all, and that she told me to tell her that melissa came by n shes in her prayers. sigh.. it was nice of her to come by n see her. everythings cool, its all gona work out. for now im just gona hang out in my house cause my parents left n ill finish up their laundry and try to finish cleaning my gross room. more updates later.

>> heres the article if you couldnt get through my uploaded ghetto site:

last night it seemed like i am a bitch. i tell anyone how i feel whenever i want. right when i think im feeling comfortable telling the people i think or thought i was a good person to talk to, they saw i go too far.. see? thats why im better off keeping everything to myself. yea this iS my blog so if you wana talk shit about my problems go ahaid, talk all the fuck you want. it was your choice to read this bullshit, right?

so i cried fer a quick minute last night, real stupid of me to be acting the way i am but i cant do anything about it. i dont understand myself so why should anyone else? sigh.. when worst comes to worst, its a terrible feeling. i dont wana become suicidal n shit but the things i do, being the way i am; usually positive, doing my own thing with work n my after skool clubs, i thought i was a cool chick to be around, but.. its always something that fucks it up n im sorry fer doing so. gosh, i really hate talking about my problems but its sad knowing that i only have a blog to tell. =*(

this morning i got ready fer skool, tra la di da. regular stupid monday. dad left early to take neil to skool.. then he came to pick me up, went in the car n saw him wiping his eyes. his eyes were more red than usual, and his face was sooo pink. i asked him what was wrong n he couldnt answer me. he put the car in park and told me that my sister is in the hospital. what happened?! dad cried even more harder.. 'she was hit by a drunk driver last night.' GOD why is this happening to me?!?! just friday there was an assembly on drunk driving n it made me so scared thinking about what happened to her. i dont know the whole story but i know len n cortney n zane were in the car. zane had surgery from what my dad told me n theyre ok now. still talking n thats how we found out. but len?? ... she wasnt talking. ... NO iDEA how many things are rushing through my head and how hard im trying to stay quiet from crying in class right now. im in skool crying my eyeballs out and i hate being here. i wana see my sister. i remember the last time i talked to her i was giving her an attitude cause it was late n i didnt feel like talking. i AM A FUCKiNG BiTCH. i hate being the way i am. i know people are gona say its not my fault but uggh, you cant stop it. i left a message last night on their answering machine around ten talking to their answering machine, asking about what to get my mom fer her bday tomorrow. i sounded pretty goofy but i didnt really care. im always goofy around my sister. i knew my sister was gona call me back. =/ uugh. such a headache. im jes praying that god will help me out. i seriously havent been doing anything wrong, no drinking, no sneaking out... lately theres been sooo many opportunities fer me to sneak out or do something wrong but i chose not to. no idea why. something in my gut tells me that im not interested in it anymore. its all old stuff, i cant anymore. im not in the mood. everything happens for a reason but i really dont understand why my sister had to get hurt like that. i dont know what shes doing right now or how she is n i cant be in skool pretending like nothing happened. i dont wana make a big scene walking around skool. i dont want sympathy from anyone. but .. i jes dont know what to do, i have nobody to talk to in vegas. no best frends or someone i can actually hug for my stupid problems. i sent gideon some messages n he might come by to get me around ten. i need to leave. and i need to be strong right? not be a wuss n cry so much. ive cried too much today in this past... hour n forty minutes. im jes gona chill till this class is over with. need to breathe.

woooo sorry i missed yesterday! it was grrrrreeeat though! i thought it was real fun =))))

woke up at about nine? kinda worried about what i was gona do so i called up jamie karen n stacey, haha. well i went out to get some pho around four but i jes had some thai tea. my parents dropped me off at darcis at five fifteen. took pictures with our group n soon after we left to go to hard rock with stacey joe, liz kc, karen steve, jamie mike, evan n myself. CRAZY conversation there about mr one nut, hahaha. that was the joke of the night with steve n his one ball. on the way to the dance we were on the strip yelling at the mexicans about the porn, yelling at the people passing by, hahaha. the guys are so bad! they were saying 'wheres the pussy' in spanish to the porn guy on the bike. hahahaha.. theyre so great =P oh n at the standard gas station joe told us about the history of the standard gas station by in n out. soon after evan stole the squeegie thing n left it in staceys car, haha.

finally got to the dance, bumped into the asian kiddies in the parking lot. odd since they werent going to the dance. i was a bit excited when i got out of the car n it seemed like they were mocking me or something when i said hi. err, not nice. sometimes i think i let the smallest things get to me. ... anyway i ran to the gate so i could get in n take the huge group picture. blah blah, took the picture with forty people i think? hope it comes out cute =) i figured right before we took the picture that i mightve put on too much shit on my face; eyeshadow that WASNT navy blue, then the pink lip gloss? great color coordination dana, hahaha. im gona look so gross. im a loser. =/

the dance having to do with the music... well, that really sucked ass. the hall monitor was the freaking dj! grrr. i requested sir mix a lot like three times with different people n he decided to play it when i was walking out the door. whata freaking lameo. sigh.. left the dance n went to joes fer a while n he played some songs on his geetar. =) joes really good, i want his autograph before he becomes a rock star. yea then we went to the laser tag place in joes hard core 'american muscle car?' i duno. thats what evan mentioned. we got there n i whooped the student body president [danny white, he was nominated in hc court] in air hockey, woop de woop! haha. thing that sucked is that he made the puck fly off the table n it hit my right hand n scraped my skin right on my vein. gross isnt it? sheesh. but the laser tag was really fun, i liked that a lot ^___- played boys v. girls n of course we lost, but its cool that i got top fer the girls. lol, i ranked seven out of sixteen, not bad! adam was first all in all. you go cowboy!

after that we went to joes house n we listened to joes band music, played pool. stayed there till probably twelve thirty, then went to darcis again to chill n eat some food. stacey beat most of the chicks at arm wresting. i kinda wanted to see if i could beat her but damn.. if stacey can beat lurana AND karen? sigh, i mightve lost. hahaha. but yea i didnt play since my right hand was still throbbing from dan. ::shakes fist:: hehe. aaaaaanyhoo, we were gona make pancakes fer the guys but evan felt pretty tired so we decided to head home. oh! did i mention evan gave me a rose when we took pictures at dacris?! ;] haha, what a sweet kid. then he gave me this baseball thing at the laser tag place, or was it from skool? uhh. yea he kept on tipping my hat off too, i tried doing that to him but i think i poked his eyebrow or something, lol. yea i suck. blaaah!

all in all i had fun last night, i kinda feel bad though cause i dont think i was the cool date i thought id be. i seemed a lot more shy, but then again most of my dates im closer with, you know? ... or maybe you dont. haha, oh well.

now about today! hahaha, whew! yea i jes worked. eleven till six. tra la laaaa. ate more edos, mm. filling. min n me made a date tuesday after skool to eat at thai bbq. i said id pay but i think im getting too far ahaid of myself with this whole having cash deal. i shouldnt feel so nice all the time you know? ill jes donate it to my cousins in the philippines or something, lol. sad but its probably true, since all of us happen to be related you know? ;D